I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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