My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
