dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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