If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
