LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
