Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
