We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize