Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize