Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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