I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
