How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
