She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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