Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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