shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize