Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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