So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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