Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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