So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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