i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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