Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize