You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
