Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
