she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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