I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
