I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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