I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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