Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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