Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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