My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
