put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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