I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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