Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize