i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
