Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
