Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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