M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
