Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
