I feel great
I just peed on a car
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
