so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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