Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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