just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
