My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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