I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
