No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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