i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
