I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
