The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
