glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
