Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Randomize