last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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