awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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