I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
