THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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