Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
