think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
