My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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