At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
