Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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