Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
